Tag: TV

Have you ever met a married couple that was so lovey dovey that it just about made you sick to your stomach? You wouldn’t mind so much if they were newlyweds, but for crying out loud these two have been together for years. Yet every time you go out with them, they are in full mushy mode. They openly vow endless love and one refuses to make any decisions without consulting the other. It’s enough to make you want to sue the pastor who presided at their wedding ceremony.

The cynic in you says this is nothing more than an act they put on to fool the public at large but you know in your heart that is not true. You have seen these two in action when they didn’t think anybody was looking (no not like that!) and from your observations, they are the real deal. The love, trust, mutual respect and sheer enjoyment they get from being in each other’s company is as genuine as a Sunday morning.

So how did they beat the odds? In the US alone roughly 49% of all marriages end in divorce. While the good news is the divorce rate has dropped to its lowest level since 1970, the reality is 49% is still a high number.

Yet even when couples decide to stay together many are trapped in a marriage that has plenty of routine but little else. Somewhere during their relationship, the marriage went from fun and romance to a chore that saps the energy out of both parties.

It doesn’t have to be that way. There may not be any full proof guaranteed cure alls for the relationship blues but every little bit helps; like the 3 A’s.

1. Attitude

Marriage is a chore if you convince yourself it’s a chore. Do you look at every bump in the relationship road as a crushing obstacle or a challenge to overcome which brings the two of you closer together? It’s all in the way you perceive it. When you change your attitude, don’t look for your spouse to make the initial move. “Saying I’ll do it if you will” means that it may never get done. Work on your outlook first. Hopefully, your significant will notice what’s going on and get on your wavelength.

2. Attention

Your spouse has been exercising or upgrading their appearance to please you. Are you taking notice? What about your communication and listening skills? When it’s just the two of you, neither spouse should have to compete with the TV, newspaper or internet to get your attention. Keep it mind that what they want to tell you is not always going to be of the earth shattering variety. Sometimes they just want to talk or vent or see what’s on your mind. Either way show them your undivided consideration.

3. Appreciation

Too often when we think “we’ve got it like that” we tend to take the other person for granted. Break that mold and start buying your significant other a small gift even when it’s not a special occasion. This is an excellent way to show gratitude; however it does not have to be monetary. For instance, they do the same household chore day in day out but now you start thanking them for doing it. In fact you surprise them occasionally by doing the work for your spouse without being asked to do it. When it comes to appreciation within a marriage, little things mean a lot.

The goal in any relationship is to be selfless enough so you both are a team that just keeps getting better and better. Trying the 3 A’s can help considerably with your game plan. You might not ever win Couple of The Year but stick with it anyway.

The weekends and times around the holidays can prove especially hard for those in a long distance relationship. You may feel like others who are coupled are having the time of their life, all wrapped up and cozy with their loved one. Accepting the fact that you will have periods of loneliness is the first step towards working to overcome them!

It is important to recognize the chain of events that cause feelings of loneliness to set in. This can be doing an activity by yourself that you may usually associate doing as a couple such as seeing a movie, dining out, or viewing a favorite show on TV. By recognizing why you are feeling lonely, you can then work towards meaningful activities that will minimize the loneliness as well as encourage your growth and strength as an individual.

Your long distance relationship can suffer if your emotional needs are not met. As can happen in any relationship, we can become so preoccupied with managing the relationship as a couple, that we neglect ourselves and discount the importance of doing some things alone. The following are a few ideas to help overcome the inevitable feelings of aloneness that will come up during the separation from your partner:

plan a life for yourself outside of your distance relationship

create an active life with friends – this may include renewing past friendships

return to hobbies that used to provide enjoyment (cooking, knitting, ceramics)

try a new sport or resume one that you previously found challenging and fun

indulge yourself by visiting a spa

workout at a gym

volunteer by reaching out to others

try a creative outlet such as painting, writing in a journal, or taking a dance class

visit a new restaurant – you can always order it as “take out”

do something by yourself or with a friend that your partner would not normally enjoy doing

delve into areas of interest that you have previously not found the time for

find a companion who can also serve as an advisor – particularly if this person is also in a distance relationship so that similar backgrounds and feelings can be shared and understood

By keeping an active life style while separated from your partner, you will benefit in several ways – you will come across as a more interesting and fun person to be around, and will find yourself able to contribute and share with more depth when you do get together with your loved one.

Although loneliness can accompany you for some of the ride, your long distance relationship should not suffer as a result. There are many ways to deal with these feelings and by doing so, it will help you become a more compelling and exceptional partner!

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.