Relationship SOP

Does it bother you that your man holds all the power in the relationship? Do you feel that you’re trying too hard, while he’s not trying enough? Do you feel frustrated that he can make you do whatever he wants, while you have no control over what he does? Read on to discover how to shift the power dynamic in your relationship and start gaining control

From my coaching experiences with women, I’ve notice that some women give up their fair share of control in a relationship too easily. These women try to please the guy by letting him get whatever he wants and sacrificing what they want. They think that if the guy gets what he wants, he must be happy and satisfied with them.

This can’t be further from the truth. This is what happens when a guy feels like he can do whatever he wants when he wants it.

First, he’ll start to make more demands and when they are not met, get annoyed.

Second, he’ll start to appreciate you less for your sacrifices, since he has developed a habit to expect you to do what he wants.

Third, he’ll feel restless, bored, and may even want to get out, a common symptom when someone gets something too easily.

To make your relationship with the guy more interesting, exciting, and last longer, there’s one thing you have to do right now: shift the power dynamic in your relationship. This means,

You want to get your equal share of what makes you happy, rather than focusing on what makes him happy all the time.

You want to start saying NO to unreasonable requests from him.

And finally, you want to consistently do this, so your man will know that his days as the Last Emperor have ended and it’s time to behave like a reasonable and mature man

Maybe you’ve recently separated, are in the mists of a divorce, or are in a relationship crisis. Even though it seems that the crisis appears suddenly, in many cases it does not. A relationship crisis usually builds slowly over time with one person caught completely off guard, and the other claiming that they are tired of trying and trying with no change. Many people are baffled when they find themselves in the mists of a relationship crisis, wondering what went wrong! More often than not this causes the person on the receiving end to feel victimized, and they conclude that their partner is to blame. However, I have a different take on this, and have proven time and time again that nothing in your relationship or your life will change until you are willing to change from the inside out! Ok, I can hear you saying right now;
*But, what about my husbands infidelity? That’s what caused our crisis!

*But, what about the way my partner tries to control everything I do?

*But, what about the fact that my partner works so much and is never home?

*But, what about the fact that my partner never spends any time with me?

*But, what about my partners sarcasm, criticism and belittling demeanor?

*But, what about the way my partner argues and fights with me?

*But, my husband doesn’t listen to me!

When you say but; it really means that you didn’t hear a word that I said!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all condoning the above-mentioned behavior, but the fact remains that none of that will change until you do! You see, there is an underlying reason for your husband’s behavior, and some of that may in fact rest with him. However, you won’t get him to change by telling him to do so, or by finding fault with what he has done. What if I said to you right now; you are completely to blame for your relationship crisis and you need to change. Did I make you angry? Do you resent me for what I said? Oh yes, I can see the steam coming out of your ears! What makes you think for one minute that you’ll get a different reaction out of your partner? Well, you won’t! You see, people resist change when they are being forced or manipulated to do so, but watch them change in a big hurry when it’s their idea! Its all about change isn’t it? If you could only get your partner to spend more time with you, work less often, be more understanding, more romantic, less sarcastic, less critical, less verbally abusive, less controlling, or completely monogamous then you would have the perfect relationship! The question is how do you get someone to change who feels that they haven’t done anything wrong, or that their behavior is justified? You change the only side of the equation that you can. Yours! Ok, I can hear you thinking again! You’re probably saying; why should I change when it’s his fault, or how is changing my side of the equation going to make him change his behavior? Well, there is no 100% guarantee that it will, but it is my experience that 85% of the time that is exactly what will occur! Let me ask you a serious question for moment, and I want you to ponder it long and hard! If you don’t change from the inside out what will be different in your next relationship or marriage?

Do you honestly believe that the crisis you have found yourself neck deep in will go away, if you don’t deal with the underlying issues? The answer is it won’t! And, in all likelihood you will attract a similar partner in your next relationship!!! You see, it is not a matter of who is right or wrong, but rather a question of whether you want to save your relationship. There is an old saying; “being right doesn’t always go along with being happy.” Therefore, if you are destined to prove that the cause of your failing relationship rests squarely on the shoulders of your partner, you may as well draw up the divorce settlement agreement, or pull the plug on the relationship because that is where it will end up anyway! On the other hand, if you truly want to save your relationship it will take a bit of self discovery and change on your part to do so! You see, this is more about you than it is about saving your relationship, and until you began to view it from that perspective nothing will change!

Starting a relationship gives you someone to talk to; someone you can lean on when in times of trials; someone you can share your dreams with, and someone you can spend the rest of our life with.

A relationship is made up of two individuals who share the same hopes and dreams; a couple who fills up their own individual gaps with individual strengths and weaknesses. Building up a relationship requires tandem effort, and it eats up a lot of tandem effort. Maintaining a relationship needs not two individuals but only one vision made up by two unified, loving minds.

But after all is said and done, a relationship still ends up with two individuals with diverse lives and diverse characteristics. An individual’s needs are still different from another individual’s needs. Despite the closeness of a couple in a relationship, space is still needed for them to breathe and live as individuals with diverse needs and characteristics.

First of all, before you get into a relationship, you should have already established a lifestyle and characteristics that you cannot just leave behind and forget once you have committed yourself into loving someone. That someone also had a life of his or her own before you met him or her and he or she can’t just leave that life all at once just for the sake of getting into a relationship. What both individuals should do is give each other some space to still live their lives and do other things that were around them before they committed themselves to the relationship.

Space is a vital part of relationship’s maintaining power. Lack of space might lead to the suffocation of the individual; and a little after that, the death of the relationship.

Space is given for the individual who is in a relationship to still do things on his or her own; what clothes to wear, who to hang out with. Individual decisions should not be done by a couple, they should be done individually. Most relationships are subjected to bad endings because the individuals in a relationship tend to step on each other’s lives and tries to control them because they don’t like it; they end up deciding what should the other do, the other ends up becoming a slave, and the relationship is bound to fall off at any given time.

Space is also important for the privacy of an individual in a relationship. Privacy is also the main reason why relationships tend to get out of hand. It is important to remember that individual privacy is entirely different from the privacy within a relationship even though both are really important elements. Individual privacy is more of a person’s own space; a sanctuary within himself or herself; it is where he or she ponders on the things he or she has accomplished in life as an individual.

Space, along with enough time is also required for a relationship to strengthen itself up to an unbreakable extent wherein the individuals in that relationship are happy being together and are also happy being individuals who have their own breathing and thinking space.

Even though controlling relationships are almost universally considered to be negative and very undesirable, they are far more prevalant than people realize. They are primarily the by-product of children being raised in homes with one or more controlling parents, and/or a highly unstable environment due to negative events.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the “out of control” nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiralling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it’s no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. If a parent withholds love and affection as a means of keeping the child under their thumb, this destructive behaviour can carry over into adult relationships and cause a lot of problems.

The person who chooses to marry or date the controller is doing so because of one or a combination of the following reasons. 1. This is what they grew up with and it’s what they’re accustomed to. Although it’s not pleasant, being controlled is strangely comfortable. 2. They are attempting to change the controller, to reform them. This is often done unknowingly. The unconcious intention is to try and repair a disappointing relationship they had with their parent(s). 3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller’s, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they’re probably not. 4. As times life seems easier while in a relationship with a controller because the controller makes most if not all the decisions for both people. It gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out right because…they didn’t make the decision!?!?

There are a few things to consider if you are looking to steer clear of a controlling relationship.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it’s vital to realize that “you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.” In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent’s problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it’s common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child. In order to drive it deep into your subconcious mind, I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over. “The environment you grew up in was not your responsibility, not your doing.” As importantly, “you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult.” You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If it’s your intention to try and reform a controller….please stop. Trying to control something you have no control over is the best possible way to create insanity in an individual. The only control any of us have is over ourselves. We can gain tremendous increases in our sense of control over our own lives if we will spend our time working on our own hangups and misgivings. Efforts to correct a controlling person are really only futile attempts to control them.

3. As an attempt to cover up your lack of personal initiative, don’t hide behind a controlling person’s unhealthy actions to make yourself look good. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Do some research into your life purpose. Why are you here? We’ve most likely never met, you and I, yet I am quite sure you have abilities and gifts that can be used to make the world a better place to live.

4. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. Being in a relationship with a controlling person can be pretty terrific because they are more than happy to make most if not all the decisions. That seems to make things easy, except that you aren’t developing the habit of making good decisions. This step is primarily about your will and rarely about skill. “But I don’t know how!” you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. The process of learning to make better choices is the same as learning any new skill, it gets better and better with more practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!

Well, I’m still remembering and reminiscing about the days when my children were little. I’ll share a few more stories about raising kids in the ghetto.

We ended up in this run-down neighborhood when we bought a house and fixed it up. It was the nicest place in the entire neighborhood, but it would not sell because no one who could afford to buy it wanted to live there.

It was cold outside and my son was playing in the backyard. He wanted to warm things up a bit. When things heated up a bit too much he came running into the house with this terrified look on his face.

“Mmmmmommy?” I could tell something was wrong. Observant, aren’t I?

“What is it?”

“F-f-f-fire! Mm-m-momie!”

“Tell Mommy what happened. You aren’t in trouble, just tell me….”

He didn’t have to. I looked out the window to see the playhouse engulfed in smoke. I ran out of the house, grabbed the hose, and ran to the rescue. It was only a matter of minutes before everything was under control, but my daughter has been mad at her brother ever since for melting her plastic stove; dishes, play food, and all.

Those are accidents, and I suppose every kid has at least one to tell about. Then, there are things that adults do that are truly stupid. Like the guy who lived across the street from us. He would get drunk and lay in the ditch night after night until the police came out to get him back into the house when someone finally complained of his moaning. And the two gals who lived next door who fought all the time. One day the blond got into her car and tried to run over the redhead. She missed the first time so she took a second and a third try until she succeeded in penning her against the concrete wall with the bumper with no place to run. Then she proceeded to beat her. I was watching out my bedroom window. I was on hold with the police station…again.

I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Then, another set of renters moved in after the “ladies” were evicted. This family had some bad dogs that were so vicious I couldn’t let my kids play in our own front yard. The dogs tore everyone’s trash out and strew it all over our yard; trash that included the front leg of some animal, probably a deer since it was hunting season. I called the landlord and the police. I was told there was nothing that could be done unless I could get the dogs into captivity on my property. My son’s bb gun took care of that situation right away. Mommas can shoot too! I just can’t hit a target, but the sweet pup was tied securely to my front porch ready for their ride to the Animal Shelter later that afternoon.

One day I was doing my quilting or playing piano and minding my own business when the GBI came to my front door asking questions about my neighbor. I was asked to identify a hat he wore often. The next morning after I got my kids off to school, I awoke to a loud noise in the backyard. People were screaming and hollering (that’s southern for yelling). By the time I found my eyeglasses, a policeman was straddling atop my neighbor’s back. The young man was lying face down in my petunias while the officer placed handcuffs to arrest him right there in my backyard. His crime? He had killed a woman that he had picked up at the bar down the street. He then stuffed her body into the trunk of a car, drove the car to a local park, left it there, and got a ride home like nothing had happened. Only in the movies, so I thought.

Raising kids in the ghetto is much more difficult than raising them in a safe neighborhood. The key to keeping kids safe is to make friends with your neighbors so you know who you can trust. Then, you help look out for one anothers kids. You have to know where your kids are all the time and youd better have a close relationship with them if you want to survive. Praying a lot helps too.

Well, that’s enough of remembering for one day. I get to sleep late in the morning. I think I’ll go to bed early and get a head start.