Month: February 2018

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

It is so much complicated to explain all these, because all the while, the men always thought that the women left the relationship much faster than the men. However, as I am writing this article, I am the guy, a male who has to think of several reasons of why the men could leave the relationship so much faster than the women. Perhaps, women should consider reading this. If you are women whose boyfriend has left you, do not worry. This piece of article can let you understand why men would want to leave the women, as far as for your concern. There are many questions that have been always asked nowadays as to why men leave their relationships so easily. As you might know women tend to think things in a complicated way but men, for most part are rather simple emotionally, you’ll be shocked that the reasons to these questions are actually very simple you would whack yourself for not even having thought about it.

Well, I always believe that if the women could not understand or care the men well enough, the men would probably think that the women is not deserved to be treated with love of care. I know well that sometimes it is not the selfishness in men that results in these break ups in their relationships, and women had been trying hard figuring the real reasons why men leave relationships, therefore here I’m going to share with you what I know about in this case.

This is very important, so if you women want to jot down on a piece of paper, please do so. Have you ever wondered what made the first impression for the men to think of you? It is whether you have ever admired the men long enough. If the men found out that any women did not treasure enough, admire greatly or like him very well, that probably gave a very first reason for men to leave relationships even after they have been together very long is that they no longer feel admired. Women, please bear in mind, that this is a very powerful word – ADMIRATION.

Do you recall when your last date with your boyfriend is when you were fully dressed and make-up? Women make mistakes thinking that they no longer need these fancy little things like making-up, wearing nice dresses, or even hooking on your ear-rings on a date after they have been together for a certain period. What men will think is that you no longer admire going out with him anymore. This is probably why the men would think why they have to choose to leave the women. If I were the men, I would of course think of this factor, admiration that the men always wanted from the women point of view.

Let me share with you another point in which why men wants to leave the relationship. Also, men will leave their current relationships for another new girlfriend is because they feel more admired by the latter party, their new girlfriends will praise them, rely more on them, show happiness when being with them, and most importantly they don’t nag them! This makes men feel like they are more in control, don’t forget men like to protect women in nature, and they have strong egos. All these factors contribute to the reasons why men leave relationships so easily. Probably, that could be the problem in which why men wanted to leave.

As far as concerned, men did not want these spoilt relationships with the first women; it is always the external environment that causes it. Things always happen for the reason. Women are complicated enough to fool and mess the men too completely which they have hard time to breathe in fresh air and breathe out nasty frustration and bad air inside out. These are not the only problems that the men would have to leave the relationship than women.

Another of the issues is well part of the reasons why men have to leave relationships is that some women are just too clingy when it comes to relationships; they want their men to be there for them 24/7. This will gradually choke the man, making him breathless without any space of his own. There men would then seek opportunities to get away from their spouses, resulting in cheating on them that they may have clients to meet or they are working overtime. This is where misunderstandings will arise because it is very hard to communicate once one of the parties is being pushed to the limits.

And once another woman that tends to treat them fairly well, appreciate them more, while still able to be independent, men in this category will most likely fall for them, leading to tragedies in relationships. Of course, the men did not want the relationship to happen, but it is always the women gave the perception to the men in making the relationship far worse enough to leave the relationship as faster than women.

Indeed, life is short. Don’t let another day go by without taking a chance on happiness. You will never know until you try, so remember to make a move today. It can change or affect the rest of your life, therefore, at the very least, you can try to come out something for your ex love partner during your weekend plans.

How to proceed after a split up?

Sadness that brings wonderful relationship since ancient times has offered as ideas in order to obtain a large number of artworks. Broken hearts are frequent factor for each high and low literature violets. Nothing seems worse than losing contact with a person you are infinitely liked .

Antidepressants that some think they’re proficient at relieving symptoms “heartbroken” by many people are only able to cause additional problems. Therefore, they should be ignored. Lean towards the most ancient wisdom that it requires time for you to get well. Another important thing to consider, if you really hurt separation: not doing anything using the old lover.

Do not listen to your heart but the brain. Forget about the calls, SMS messages, or going out to places where you can see former love. Won’t his or her offer to be friends. Yes, but only after 3-4 years since the research therefore it takes many people to get over the break.

Eliminate from your environment all the pictures, letters, gifts along with other items and items which you may be constantly reminded of the former love.

Please note that alcohol consumption to be able to forget a lost love is not a good idea, although it is usually seen, especially in men. Most of those who have tried to solve an issue with alcohol knows that as time passes things become only worse. Alcohol is only going to throw more deeply into depression and melancholy. A far greater solution is to turn the exercise and sport. Exercise relieves stress by raising serotonin levels (the hormone of happiness).

Do not always sit alone within the apartment. Get out with pals and generally spend time with people. In this way you won’t feel lonely and you will not have enough time for mourning and reflection about the failed relationship. And there’s another proven fact that should not be ignored, You will boost the possibility of introducing another people who might attract attention. This does not mean “jump” into a new relationship to your investment old, but just some talk, gaze and smile forwarded to the person who is great for you. Do not immediately seek an upgraded for former love. Still need some time to realize that you’re again prepared to love somebody, respect and trust.

To become forced to keep to care for someone, and because of the pleasant company, consider investing in a pet. Have a dog or cat is advantageous for those who live alone as their loyalty is unquestionable.

Renew some friendships, consider joining the hikers. Hikers have been known not just as lovers of nature but also as an extremely friendly people, which is what you’ll need. Should you estimate that you’re not that type, review offers and travel agencies choose destinations that you’re financially accessible. Changing environmental surroundings can be a very healing.

However, studies have shown that lovers after the break, especially that they were “madly in love” quickly arrived at his senses and return to normal life. Quite simply, most subjects during the test asserted that after the disconnection felt a lot less stressful than they previously thought

Whenever you finally become open to new love you’ll understand that after you are even stronger and much more conscious of the ability that love has in most human life. It’s clear how the former created a trail of love in your heart, however it’s no longer important. Feeling the alternative of love isn’t hate, but indifference, and she comes after suffering.

Winning back love is something many people have done over the years. It doesn’t matter if it was a troubled marriage or a relationship situation they were in; they were able to pull it off. How does one go about winning back ones partner or ex and repairing a broken relationship?

Sometimes for many different reasons a couple could have difficulties together. There are good times and bad and how you handle the bad can make or break your relationship. You can’t always be perfect and sometimes you might anger your partner. The key thing is being able to work it out and come to a mutual solution.

If you are in a bad situation and you have already broke up, or may soon do so and you want to save the relationship, then you have a lot of work to do. Are you ready to fight to save it and get your partner back on your side? Hopefully you have thought it over real good so you are sure getting back together is the best choice.

Seek out advice where you can so you have the ability to approach this with the best plan. If you already know that you have some faults, you need to correct or fix them to make yourself more desirable to your partner to help smooth out things. Ask advice from your partner, they may have the best advice yet as to how you can fix your relationship.

Your partner may be a wealth of information for you. Just this conversation alone can make or break you as far as knowing what you need to do to repair your relationship. Listen to them closely so you will know exactly what must be done. And the reverse is true of your partner.

Signs to End a Relationship

Who doesn’t want to meet their perfect mate and they live in eternal bliss. But sadly, most people would rather stay in a bad relationship because it is familiar rather than be single.

Here are some signs to end a relationship:

Signs To End a Relationship #1. You catch your partner lying. If someone cannot even respect you enough as a person to be honest and communicate with you, all is at a loss.

Signs To End a Relationship #2. Feeling the need to walk on eggshells. It sucks feeling like your partner is just waiting to criticize you on the slighest little personal things about you. Even if you apologize for upsetting your partner, they just can’t seem to let things go. That is absolutely crazy. You deserve better than that.

Signs To End a Relationship #3. Your partner purposely says hurtful or insulting things to you then almost immediately apologizes. No apology is almost better than an insincere one. Part of saying sorry is making an effort to try and not repeat the thing you are sorry for.

Signs To End a Relationship #4. Absolutely any form of abuse. It does not matter if this is emotional or physical, it is a sign you need to get out of your relationship as soon as possible. It’s as simple as that.If you are looking for signs to end a relationship, that would be it.

Signs To End a Relationship #5. They begin talking about themselves endlessly while ignoring you altogether. This is followed by a false sense of entitlement, double standards, a materialistic attitude, and vanity.

It will only get worse as time passes. When they have finally gotten bored with you, you will just be tossed to the side.

Save yourself the trouble.

Signs To End a Relationship #6. Here is another of many signs to end a relationship- everyone is telling you the relationship is a mistake, but you continue to make excuses for your partner’s lousy behavior. This can be tricky though.

You may come from a dysfunctional family or have friends who are jealous. But more often than not, this is not the case.

Love can truly make one blind, so it is helpful to have others who have a more objective eye about your situation.

Signs To End a Relationship #7. You have tried to breakup, but the person totally flips out. This usually is followed by a promise of change. But they will do just enough to convience you of their change for a short time. People who do this are controlling manipulators. They are only trying to appeal to your sympathies. This is beyond painful. It is insanity.

Signs To End a Relationship #8. You find yourself living in the past when it comes to your relationship. You ignore the current circumstances and remember the -good old times- , hoping it will be like that again..

This is another misconception. At the beginning of a relationship, everyone is on their -best behavior-. It is only with time and hardships that you will discover who you are really dealing with.

So, you have gotten clued into the signs to end a relationship that is failing and are ready to leave.

The first thing you need to do is cut off all ties and communication from them. No emails, calls, text messages, Facebook messages. Especially, no trying to see them in person anywhere.

The choice is completely yours, but you can not play both sides no matter how much you may want to. You must take a stand and stay firm.

Here are some things to remember once you recognize the signs to end a relationship and see that it is time to go.

1. Remember this is for your own good. Stop feeling guilty about the relationship not working. It takes two to make it work. Both people have to want it.

2. Do not believe their continued promises of change. If you have not been successful the 1st 15 times, the 16th is not really going to be better. One of the signs to end a relationship addresses this very thing. Stop living in the dream world.

3. Unless both people mutually want it to end, trying to be friends after the breakup will most likely not work. It is too easy for someone to get caught up in old emotions.

4. You can not -fix- this person.Women are especially bad at holding on to this belief. No one has power over anyone except themselves.

Knowing the signs to end a relationship that is unhealthy is important to not only your emotional and mental well-being, but your physical well-being. The stress of a bad romance ruins everything . If you can’t avoid it, make sure to book out of there like the speed of lightning.